I always thought I was a commitment phobe ... and I was while I was in California. I even had an allergic reaction to a guy (Long Beach cop) I was dating who called me "his girl" and my whole face broke out in an allergic reaction. It was horrific. Anyways, so I recently was in my longest term relationship, it's been a little over a year and a half. I was so happy and content. Then out of the blue (with the aid of liquid courage) my boyf calls me and tells me that he doesn't feel like he's "contributing" enough. WTF?! I guess I could see why a Bronx-born, proud, young man would feel that way. But still ... it hurts and now i'm very lonely and suddenly the prospect of being single is, not very exciting. I really saw myself with this guy ... forever. You know ... married. I guess I was wrong. I'm not even interested in dating at all ... not with like my other ex ... (Mr. Con Man), I don't want to be spending these days alone, I just want Putz to come back and stay with me. We're eachother's best friend and I'm not even comfortable talking to him anymore. It's so sad. We used to cook together and now i've lost my love to cook. I want to play my xbox 360 games but they remind me of him (we used to play together). I don't like being single. I don't sleep, I don't eat. My love to eat died. I don't sleep b/c of my previous jobs and when he wouldn't spend the night, I wouldn't sleep but when he would come over that's when i got my best sleep. My whole body just was so happy and content when he was here, I could totally relax and now ... that's gone. I'm thinking of taking up sleeping aids to help me sleep. I'm just not sleeping and it's taking it's toll on me.
It's hard to thank GOD through this, but there's a reason why this happened. I don't know why, but I have to THANK him for it all. Give him the glory and the praise. I mean I still have many more things to be grateful for ... I'm still so immensely BLESSED. How can I let one little hang up like this depress me so much?? I just don't understand. I have GREAT, loving and supportive friends, I have a wonderful family that's healthy and well. I have both my eyes, ears, arms, and legs. I have my health, I have a job that's in no danger of "lay off" despite the economic climate, I have 2 wonderful dogs who love me unconditionally no matter how much i ignore them b/c of my own hang ups. I have benefits; dental, medical and vision! I am utterly and completely BLESSED, and yet ... a breakup and i'm totally devastated. I feel totally lost. I feel totally alone although I know better. I know that GOD promised me that he would NEVER EVER leave me and he hasn't. But I'm just ... heartbroken. I'm sad and that's OK ... coz everyday, it gets a little bit easier ... I'm a little happier. I'm a little less sad ... I cry a little less ... I smile a little more ... I laugh a little more ... I feel a little less like a failure ... I feel a little more confident ... I'm a little less heartbroken.
Thanks ya'll for listening, every little bit helps.
