Still waiting ...

For the other shoe to drop? I feel like that sometimes. I feel like that now ... I wonder if that's just my own insecurities or if it's my intuition talking to me. Regardless, I'm just a mess. I'm not writing anything into existence nor do I want to speak anything into existence ... so then that begs the question ... what's the other shoe? What is my insecurity? I guess I could divulge on that a bit. I'm in a relationship? Even that's gray, hence the question mark. I've been dating the same guy for 2.5 months now, going on 3. I've grown to really like him a lot but I'm starting to doubt things, to doubt him. Don't ask me why ... I just am. "But he came over to visit me today and invite me to get a smoothie with him" I tell myself. Am I just making up an excuse to continue to blind myself? Or make myself feel better about the night before when he conveniently pretended to be looking for his brother to get off the phone with me and not call me back until it was bed time? Maybe I was reading too much into that situation though? But am I making up excuses for the fact that my feelings were hurt? Or am I being too sensitive? Damn, I sound like I belong in a mental ward ... oh, excuse me, a behavioral assessment facility. All these pretty words to make people feel better about themselves. IT'S A FREAKIN' LOONY BIN! It doesn't matter how you dress it up or down it's still the same thing! A place for the mentally insane to be evaluated, drugged and hopefully rehabilitated so that they might one day join society again and be a productive member ... hopefully. I miss him. I want job security. I AM afraid of rejection. But my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus! My head is storming, it's raging ... and I need it and want it to be calm. I thought about my ex, yesterday in a long time. I was angry, I was feeling resentment bubbling inside me. But if it hadn't been for him, would I know the things I know today? I finally understand "fighter" by Christina Aguilera. Understand what she meant about not loathing but thanking him instead. I'm a fighter ... I miss him, he's only a few steps away ... but I miss him.

Holiday Pain

So my back has been hurting for the last 2 weeks or so ... I've been trying to work it out or more likely ... wait it out, but ... it wasn't happening. It's similar to the pain I had when I took a nasty spill while ice skating in cali. So I guess it flared up 3 years after the fact. I think it might have been due to the onset of the EXTREMELY cold weather or atleast it helped aggravate it. So I couldn't take it anymore on Monday (12/9) and I scheduled a doctor's appointment with what I thought was a family practice physician but turned out to be a chiropractor. I'm OK with a chiropractor b/c they specialize in the back but this woman turned out to be a NIGHTMARE! One I found out (only after I left) that she went to medical school at Osteo of Niyt (WTF?!) and she didn't even speak good English ... which should not be a factor but only served to make things worse for me b/c I couldn't always understand her and she couldn't properly communicate with me. This is a problem. Anyways so she takes me into a room and does a scan of my spine and I can clearly see (although I already pointed out to many of my friends that this pain I was feeling was very localized and acute. It also felt just like a severely pinched nerve.) That between L1 and L2 of my lumbar vertebrae that there is clearly a swelling of the disc in between the two vertebrae which would account for the pinched nerve and my source of discomfort and pain. Then she takes me into a room and has me lay down on this table which massages and rolls my back much like those chairs you can sit in and feed a dollar to and it massages your back. I'm there for about 10 minutes which I assume she's doing to loosen my spine and the muscles up. Then she puts me on this table and puts this hot lamp on my back well ... the light being emitted by the lamp is really hot ... so the actual lamp wasn't on my back and she proceeds to massage my back with her ELBOW!!!!! This is EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE AND PAINFUL! But that's exactly what a deep tissue massage is anyways so i'm thinking to myself ... "I can deal with this, this is OK. I'll just bite my tongue off, but I'll be OK". Then she takes something in a box that clinks and says "I do chinese cups!" and no sooner had she completed this sentence she HAMMERS into my back these "cups" that happen to have NEEDLES (a la acupuncture) INTO MY BACK!!!!! She puts about 4 small ones and 4 large ones into my back and I'm laying there trying desperately NOT to FREAK OUT! What I really wanted to do was jump up and brush these cups off of my back and run out of that office screaming. But I didn't know about these things on my back and if I jumped up and freaked out God knows I could have possibly pulled the flesh off my back and been bleeding to death on my way back to work! Anyways so I stayed in place, lying on that table ... freaking out silently. Then her assistant comes into the room and removes the cups and "wipes" off my back to which i'm almost certain was bleeding! THen she brings out these pads that are connected to a machine and eerily looks similar to an AED (Automated External Defibrillator) and she tells me that the doctor is going to do "electrophysiology" on me.
I was absolutely beside myself at that point! No way in hell were you going to electrically SHOCK me! Not after putting needles in my back and not telling me you were goign to do before you did it! Zis vy ze 'ol Russian ting iz no vork for me! Good grief! Well apparently the doc ran out of time and said that she would have to do the "electrical" thing at another appointment. She tells me that I have to come back on wednesday for a prescription for physical therapy and that I need 15 more sessions! WTF?!?!?!?! The first 12 will be at her office and then the last 3 at a hospital where they're going to put me under anesthesia while they manipulate my back. Ummmm.... let me see ... hmmmm .... 'ow do I say zis, NOOOOO!!!!!!!!! When I got back to work I ran straight for the bathroom where the full-length mirror is and looked at my back and sho'nuff there were bruises on my back and they're STILL there and today is THURSDAY (12/13)!!!! Needless to say, I will NOT be going back to a chiropractor, especially her, anytime soon. I actually went to a DO yesterday and she did some osteopathic (Shaunte this is for you) spine manipulations and my back feels much better and she told me that I couldn't do any strenuous exercise(s), to keep my back warm and to take Motrin for the pain. That old hag chiropractor who I call and shall be henceforth named "fluffy", didn't give me ANY advice all she said was, "I vill feex you!" I feel immensely better today and I have another session scheduled for next wednesday (12/19) ... I should be back to normal soon. *^_^*

Here (POEM)

It's snowing outside, falling slowly,
I watch the flakes, quietly floating,
The whirring sound of my heater,
Everything is always the same here,
Where is here? You want to know?
Here, is somewhere very cold,
Here, I thought I had a home,
Here, now there's nothing left,
They sent away all my friends,
Here, I type my thoughts and no one cares,
Here, I find thoughts that I can share,
On my blog I made just for me,
So one day I can look back and see,
A piece of my life that used to be.

WHY???

Am I starting to feel the effects of aging? My goodness, since the cold weather in NYC decided that it would descend upon us my lower back has been SCREAMING at me! It's really quite unbearable to be completely honest. I don't know what happened; I haven't done any strenuous exercise, I haven't fallen down or been ice skating of late, there's really just no excuse for it. The onset was acute and sudden. I'm not sure what's happening. I don't really know what to think. I'm considering going to the doctor soon if it doesn't just get better. I have free medical so I might as well make an appointment to do so.

I know my back is going to be just fine but I'm gonna go see the doctor anyways. My back is going to be great because Jesus said that "By his stripes" I am HEALED and I truly believe that. I just don't know why it's giving me so much darn trouble right now. I even took 2 Aleve tablets (220mg x 2 = 440mg) and it's not helping. Maybe I pinched a nerve??? It's always a possibility. I am so tired of this job hunting. I've gone to so many of these headhunters/agencies and they don't have anything at all for me. Some of them even put up ads that are fake to recruit people and I don't understand what the point of that is. I wonder if they just hired Kieran on the spot? I wouldn't be surprised. He's an attractive, intelligent, hard-worker and any company would be happy to have him. I'm tired. I want this day to be over. It's only 4:00pm and I'm supposed to stay until 7:00pm ... I don't know how I'm going to possibly make it. Stop it Sherry! I should be thankful that I have a job that is paying me at all! Why am I so ungrateful? Anyways, I'm over that ... I have to stop myself from saying things like that. Anyways ... I think I'm done for now.

For me

I decided to blog for me. I just think about so many things and I don't know if anyone can access my blog and see what I'm writing ... but in the case that others can see ... I'll keep it clean. I'll have to check on that. So my most recent concern of course is, my job. I started working here as a temporary through a temp agency. No biggie right? Well, during this entire time that I'm working as a temp i'm continually applying to full time positions. Of course then I get this job offer from a law firm ... oddly enough it's the same law firm that I'm working as a temp for! Bingo! So 6 weeks after I start as a temporary at this off-site law firm litigation case for a large pharmaceutical company, I'm a permanent employee. This was much to the dismay of many others in the department I started working in, productions. Some of the members of that team had been there apparently for over a year and had been working hard to be made permanent and here I was ... this brand new person waltzing into their world and all of the sudden, BAM! I'm permanent and they're still chipping away at the door. Funny thing is, once I became permanent, I moved departments. I was moved to relevance and I was also informed that I would be made a "supervisor". Can you imagine my shock?! Well needless to say, I wanted to make sure that I was doing a "superb" job. People put their confidence in me to perform and I didn't want to let them down. So from August - October I worked non-stop. I was working 9:00am - 10:00pm Monday - Thursday and on Fridays I would let myself get off at 7pm or 8pm depending on how much work needed to be done and how tired I was. Then in the first few days of November ... It's a sleepy morning and I'm strolling onto the elevator to take me up to the 19th floor and I'm looking at the news bulletins they have available and it says that our client has decided that they want to make a settlement agreement. Good news? HELL NO!!! No sooner had I gotten into the office, it was apparent that many others were already clearly aware of the situation and I was way behind the curve. People were talking and speculating, worrying, fretting, "freaking out" and many were on there phones calling up headhunters or emailing out resumes. A week later, (and I was supervising about 100 attorneys at this point) they release roughly 40-50 attorneys and some others found another temporary job with Merrill Lynch. The office went from this wonderful lively place to ... NOTHING. On top of all that, there is a grand total of roughly 11 permanent paralegals with our law firm (including the 4th floor or the privilege team). We were told that every effort was being made to find positions for us at the main firm but that it was possible that we might get let go. Now, to be honest ... I'm low woman on the totem pole. I was the last one to be hired on permanently and quite honestly if they adopt the same policy at the law firm with the contract attorneys, "last one in, first one out", I'm a shoe-in for getting let go. I don't want to be caught with my pants on the ground, so ever since then I've been applying for anything and everything under the sun.

The good news is ... I recently went to an interview at this NYC private investigation and consulting firm called Thacher Associates (http://www.thacherassociates.com/) and they seemed to be impressed with me. They even asked me for a writing sample which I promptly gave them as soon as it was possible for me to access my writing pieces. The VP of the company is apparently reviewing my writing sample and as soon as he's finished, they'll be asking me to return to meet with the 2 main VPs. I'm excited! I applied originally for the executive assistant position but they're also looking for a Project Administrator as well and felt that I might be a good match for that job as well, so they're considering me for both positions. I can only count my BLESSINGS AND THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE AND GOODNESS AND FAITH IN ME. It's so funny how I feel about trials and difficulties when they come my way now. Even though I started to stress a little about my financial situation (I had 20 hours of overtime every week and it's now been cut down to, NOTHING! This seems to be a recurring theme with this law firm), I just kept saying to myself "No! I won't believe that because MY GOD shall supply ALL OF MY NEEDS according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus!". I feel like the last time this happened and I didn't doubt that He would bring me out of the mess I created, he rewarded me for my faith. I feel like I'm being tested in that way again and once again like the wonderful GOD that He is, He is bringing me out of my troubles and rewarding me for my faith. THANK YOU GOD! THIS IS ALL YOURS, EVERYTHING I HAVE, EVERYTHING I AM ... GLORY BE TO THE ALMIGHTY GOD, THANK YOU! Ok, I just had to get that out. Yeah, I'm Christian but i'm NOT religious! Even God doesn't like religion; He says that "religion will make my words of no use".
Well, pray for me. I know I will! LOL ... I want that job, it really sounds like so much fun and I could definitely see myself staying there for awhile and attending part-time MBA school while I'm there and just being ... Happy. Everything happens for a reason, everything whether or good or bad that is occurring in your life ... is moving you in the exact direction that God is intending for you, so don't fight it. Just go with it.