Still waiting ...

For the other shoe to drop? I feel like that sometimes. I feel like that now ... I wonder if that's just my own insecurities or if it's my intuition talking to me. Regardless, I'm just a mess. I'm not writing anything into existence nor do I want to speak anything into existence ... so then that begs the question ... what's the other shoe? What is my insecurity? I guess I could divulge on that a bit. I'm in a relationship? Even that's gray, hence the question mark. I've been dating the same guy for 2.5 months now, going on 3. I've grown to really like him a lot but I'm starting to doubt things, to doubt him. Don't ask me why ... I just am. "But he came over to visit me today and invite me to get a smoothie with him" I tell myself. Am I just making up an excuse to continue to blind myself? Or make myself feel better about the night before when he conveniently pretended to be looking for his brother to get off the phone with me and not call me back until it was bed time? Maybe I was reading too much into that situation though? But am I making up excuses for the fact that my feelings were hurt? Or am I being too sensitive? Damn, I sound like I belong in a mental ward ... oh, excuse me, a behavioral assessment facility. All these pretty words to make people feel better about themselves. IT'S A FREAKIN' LOONY BIN! It doesn't matter how you dress it up or down it's still the same thing! A place for the mentally insane to be evaluated, drugged and hopefully rehabilitated so that they might one day join society again and be a productive member ... hopefully. I miss him. I want job security. I AM afraid of rejection. But my God shall supply all my needs according to his riches and glory by Christ Jesus! My head is storming, it's raging ... and I need it and want it to be calm. I thought about my ex, yesterday in a long time. I was angry, I was feeling resentment bubbling inside me. But if it hadn't been for him, would I know the things I know today? I finally understand "fighter" by Christina Aguilera. Understand what she meant about not loathing but thanking him instead. I'm a fighter ... I miss him, he's only a few steps away ... but I miss him.